A Guide for Men Whose Wife No Longer Wants Sex with Them

It is very hard (no pun intended!) when one partner in a relationship no longer wants sex. It would be reasonable to feel rejected, frustrated, sad and even a bit angry. All those feeling are valid. The situation needs to be approached with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to work together to improve intimacy in your marriage. Here is help:

A couple are pictured in bed together looking up at the celiing with their heads touching but bodies facing opposite directions. The woman's hand is gently resting on the man's cheek while he has both his arms at his sides.

1. Acknowledge the Issue

2. Open Communication

  • Talk to your wife openly and honestly. Ask her how she feels about intimacy and what might be causing her disinterest. Avoid judgment or criticism; instead, focus on understanding her perspective.
  • Share your feelings too. Let her know how the lack of intimacy affects you emotionally and physically.
  • Consider taking sex off the table entirely and letting her know. Although this may sound extreme, it can be very effective in allowing her to relax back into enjoying physical touch again, without pressure (which is a libido killer in itself!).

3. Explore the Reasons

  • Several factors can contribute to a decline in sexual desire:
    • Low Libido: Hormonal changes, stress, or other health issues can affect libido.
    • Mismatched Sex Drives: Couples often have different levels of desire.
    • Childbirth: Postpartum changes can impact intimacy.
    • Workload and Stress: Busy lives can lead to exhaustion.
    • Medical Conditions: Conditions like erectile dysfunction can affect intimacy.
    • Emotional Issues: Past trauma, infidelity, or unresolved problems.
    • Insecurities: Body image or self-esteem issues.
    • Anger and Resentment: Relationship conflicts.
    • Financial Problems: Stress related to money matters.
A zoomed in picture of an unmade bed with just white sheets all messy looking pictured.

4. Seek Professional Help

  • Consider couples therapy or sex therapy. A professional can guide you both through communication techniques, emotional healing, and practical strategies to improve intimacy. If you are in New Zealand, we recommended family, couples, and sex therapist, Serafin Upton.

5. Reignite the Spark

6. Self-Care

  • Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. When you feel good, it positively impacts your relationship.

7. Patience and Persistence

  • Restoring intimacy takes time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to reconnect with your wife.
A couple are pictured in bed together from a birds eye view. They are wrapped up together in a white sheet. The man is sitting upright and kissing the woman's forehead while she is hugging him and resting on her chest.


Remember, every marriage is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Be compassionate, listen actively, and work together to rebuild intimacy. Seek professional guidance if needed, and prioritize emotional closeness alongside physical intimacy



This article was compiled by our resident expert and scientist, Ami Reid, CEO of The Quiet Achiever. The Quiet Achiever is New Zealand's only women owned and operated sexual wellness store that sells only 100% body-safe toys and tools to women and couples. You can shop their products or learn more here or by following the link below:
Serafin Upton has worked in New Zealand and Australia as a family and couples therapist and coach for 20 years. On top of her extensive experience and qualifications, she has also trained under world-renowned sex and relationship therapists Esther Perel and Terry Real – the only NZ-based therapist to have done so.

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