A Guide for Men Whose Wife No Longer Wants Sex with Them

It is very hard (no pun intended!) when one partner in a relationship no longer wants sex. It would be reasonable to feel rejected, frustrated, sad and even a bit angry. All those feeling are valid. The situation needs to be approached with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to work together to improve intimacy in your marriage. Here is help:

1. Acknowledge the Issue

• The first step is to recognize that there is a problem. Lack of intimacy can be distressing, but it’s essential not to blame your partner or yourself. Understand that this is a common issue in many marriages.

2. Open Communication

• Talk to your wife openly and honestly. Ask her how she feels about intimacy and what might be causing her disinterest. Avoid judgment or criticism; instead, focus on understanding her perspective.
• Share your feelings too. Let her know how the lack of intimacy affects you emotionally and physically.
• Consider taking sex off the table entirely and letting her know. Although this may sound extreme, it can be very effective in allowing her to relax back into enjoying physical touch again, without pressure (which is a libido killer in itself!).

3. Explore the Reasons

• Several factors can contribute to a decline in sexual desire:
  • Low Libido: Hormonal changes, stress, or other health issues can affect libido.
  • Mismatched Sex Drives: Couples often have different levels of desire.
  • Childbirth: Postpartum changes can impact intimacy.
  • Workload and Stress: Busy lives can lead to exhaustion.
  • Medical Conditions: Conditions like erectile dysfunction can affect intimacy.
  • Emotional Issues: Past trauma, infidelity, or unresolved problems.
  • Insecurities: Body image or self-esteem issues.
  • Anger and Resentment: Relationship conflicts.
  • Financial Problems: Stress related to money matters.

4. Seek Professional Help

• Consider couples therapy or sex therapy. A professional can guide you both through communication techniques, emotional healing, and practical strategies to improve intimacy. If you are in New Zealand, we recommended family, couples, and sex therapist, Serafin Upton.

5. Reignite the Spark

• Date Nights: Spend quality time together without distractions.
• Physical Touch: Non-sexual touch, like holding hands or cuddling, can help build intimacy.
• Surprise Each Other: Small gestures can make a big difference.
• Try New Things: Explore new activities or hobbies together.
• Spice Up the Bedroom: Experiment with different approaches to intimacy.
• Schedule Intimacy: While it may sound unromantic, scheduling intimate moments can help maintain a connection².

6. Self-Care

• Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. When you feel good, it positively impacts your relationship.

7. Patience and Persistence

• Restoring intimacy takes time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to reconnect with your wife.

Remember, every marriage is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Be compassionate, listen actively, and work together to rebuild intimacy. Seek professional guidance if needed, and prioritize emotional closeness alongside physical intimacy